greenest white belt

I am about ¾ through the book A Mans Search for Meaning. It has been refreshing and meaningful to consider the author’s perspective based in his experience, and the thoughts generated from that experience. I’ve heard it said that we, in America, are living in a crisis of comfort, continually seeking the next dopamine hit without consideration to whether the action serves or pervades who we want to become. It feels cognitively dissonant to be surrounded by more entertainment, luxury, and comfort than most of the humans that have ever existed and still feel so shitty in the day to day. I suppose that is the point of the book though, that understanding our individual meaningful purpose is the beginning to creating the opportunity for contentment.

An aspect of A Mans Search for Meaning that stood out the most for me is the idea of the last human freedom. Paraphrasing from the book; the last human freedom is the ability to choose one’s attitude in a given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way. It is this spiritual freedom that imbues meaningful purpose. Perhaps unconsciously I have understood this in variations of external circumstances of suffering, competition, and work. Some of us may even be a blackbelt at enduring physical suffering in the effort of prevailing and competition, however, it occurs to me that when the ops tempo slows and there is no “next most all important” training event, deployment, gear preparation, or recreationally fun time to be had, I find myself reaching for anything available to escape the time in stillness with myself. In this regard, internally, emotionally, I am a the greenest of white belts. Perhaps it is the white belt in emotional resiliency that is the source of unnamed anxiety.

This revelation is mildly horrifying to admit. There is a level of cognitive dissonance between my external “accomplishments” and my complete inability to regulate my time and emotions when I am out of the cycle of a necessary, high ops tempo loop. It is the insecure feeling of not being good at being myself when at rest or in an emotional confrontation that requires empathy and resiliency, where these external problem-solving skills have little use or meaning. Perhaps it is this discomfort that drives addiction. This is where the last human freedom enters the equation. I have been told many times over my life that I have a bad attitude or am in need of an attitude adjustment. I can hear the compilation of voices from my past saying “you need an attitude adjustment” in unison. Finally, after 42 years, I think it’s time for that to change. What the last of human freedoms means to me is the freedom to decide your attitude regardless of circumstances or feelings about the circumstances. It means I must seek every opportunity to cultivate a good attitude like it is its own virtue. I must start now and be relentless. I have a lot of making up to do.